I was scrolling through Face Book today and read something that has stuck with me all day long. " You cannot force someone to comprehend a message that they are not ready to receive. Still, you must never underestimate the power of planting a seed." This statement brought up so many memories for me in my personal relationship with Jesus.

I was taken back to a little room in children's church at the Grace Place in Stuart, FL. I was about 8 or 9 year old. I remember hearing if anyone wants to come to the altar and accept Jesus into their heart they could make their way down to the front. I could feel how my heart beat quickened and my palms got sweaty. I remember shy little Kristine standing up and taking that walk. I remember the urgency I felt like I couldn't get there fast enough. I tripped over my own two feet most of the time, but today my foot steps were sure and they knew just where I needed and wanted to be.

Fast forward to a pool at one of our church member's homes and Pastor Rick and I wading into the water. The moment that I went down under the water and came back up. That fresh burst of air and the feeling that I was this new person and that everything that had happened in my past was gone and that I had a brand new start.

It seems like forever ago that I was that child worshipping at my Father's feet. Open to all he had to offer me. No questions asked. Now I am facing being a thirty year old who has outgrown that simple, trusting faith. I've lived life, become a parent, faced insurmountable odds and experienced incredible betrayals and heartbreaks. Yet, a part of my soul yearns for that little girl. If I could go back knowing what I know now.... But, you see God knew just where I would go and what I would do. Have I followed his plan for my life? I say No, however, I can say that no matter how many times my feet have taken me into troubled waters away from God and his plan He still loves me and calls my name.

At Church on Sunday, my pastor spoke something over our congregation that has stuck with me this week.  He said, " At some point in your life you just say: "I'm Done." " 

You wake up one morning and all the stress of your life is on your shoulders, your worries, your inadequacies, your weaknesses, and as you lay in your bed you think "God, I am done."  I am done with all of these things.  I have tried life on my own and here I am at your feet broken, bruised, and shattered by life and I am just done.

I needed to hear those words.  I needed to hear that I am not the only one that is struggling in my walk.  I needed to hear that even someone in ministry wakes up and has said He is done with the negative things in life.  It showed me that we as Christians are not perfect, but that we are loved by a perfect God.
Have you ever looked inside yourself and thought: How am I still alive? Looked around you, and wondered how you've made it this far?  I have felt so introspective lately.  I   have felt weathered, and beaten down; gray in a world full of magnificent colors.  Doubt has been plaguing me, and indecision.  Retrospectively, I have been focusing on negative events that have occurred in the past.  I've allowed self-doubt to creep in and single-handedly choke the very life out of me that I have fought so hard to keep a tight-fisted grip on.

A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting in the counselor's office at my primary care physician.  I told him all about things that have been happening, feelings I have felt. The doubt, the disappointment in myself. I found myself focusing on all the ways I feel I have failed as a mother.  The list is extremely long.  He was so kind, and patient.  He listened so well.  At the end of my visit, the doctor and the counselor conferred.  They felt it would be best for me to start on a regimen of Prozac to heal my " depression." 

Now, I am not saying that mental illnesses shouldn't be identified, and treated.  Clinically, I know that there are many people who have legitimate medical issues, and they need medicine to help them stay stable.  Thirteen years in the medical  field, gives you a fine appreciation for the wonders of some prescriptions.  However,  for myself, I  feel that even if I would  picked that prescription up it would not have helped me. My wounds are not just in my psyche.  They are deep, rigged scars in the spiritual part of me.

The Bible is full of promises: Trust me, Lean on Me, I will not leave nor forsake you, By my stripes you are healed.  Theoretically, It's easy to say those words.  It's easy to make a mantra and sing praise songs.  Nonetheless, when real life kicks you in the teeth, or wears you down.  Relationships fail, trust is broken, medical diagnosis's are revealed.  It takes serious prayer, and faith to keep on the path of belief. To keep those words in your mind, and your heart.  My biggest failure is that I stopped trusting God.  I gave lip service of holiness, and righteousness.  Yet, I live broken and incomplete.  Scared of my own shadow, but too proud to admit that I need help.

I need Jesus.

I sat here this morning and read the story of creation, and the birth of Jesus to my three little ones.  The twins are one going, on twenty five.  They are never still and I dare you to try to read with two little scamps using you as a jungle gym.  However, I did just that because as soon as I opened my mouth and started reading my three year old stuck to me.  She watched every expression on my face, followed every changing nuance to my voice and I realized that even though I am imperfect, a sinner saved by grace.. I am not a failure.  I've made mistakes.  Who hasn't?  But ultimately I have from right now to start again.  This morning my three year old asked Jesus into her heart.  She closed her little eyes, and she prayed. 

I found myself praying with her.  Lord, Jesus forgive me for all I have done that is not of you.  Come into my heart and fill these empty, broken places.  Heal me from the inside out.  Teach me your way O' Lord.  Teach me how to lean on you, to hold on to you.  Teach me to pray before I complain.  Teach me patience.  Teach me humbleness and humility.  Lord mold me into what you need me to be.. You called me Lord.  A long time ago.. I'm weary from running.  I'm ready.  I give me to you. Every part of me. 

In Jesus' name,


                It has been almost a year since I have written on here. I apologize for the lengthy silence. However, in that silence I have learned and grown so much. God has been working in me and through me on so many levels. I have had the opportunity to have a real heart check and to come against seemingly impossible situations. I have come to the conclusion that My God is a God of more than enough and that he is steadfastly holding me to Him, even when I am on the verge of letting myself go.
                It is amazing to see how high you can lift yourself up. I lifted myself to pretty high heights and the devil had no problem knocking me down a peg or two.  I thought I was so strong in my faith. I found myself thinking more highly of myself than I should have. God doesn’t like ugly and he had a few lessons for me to learn. He also had a very big blessing in store for me.

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