Like Water.......
I read something today that really made me think. In the book of Genesis, Jacob describes his son Reuben as, “turbulent as the waters.” The New Living Translation goes on to dissect this statement further by saying that water has no shape of its own, except for when it is frozen. But, my way of thinking is that even when frozen, the water still conforms to its container or its environment. It never really gains its own shape.
The Bible was talking about how consistent we are in our personal lives as opposed to how we act in the public view. Human nature runs the show most of the time and I know for myself that my personal life is not always up to par to what I would like those in my “public” life to be aware of.
I have been battling temptation recently and I find myself trying hard to live the life that God wants for me. I want to live up to his standards. I want my standards to reflect His teachings, to be more exact. But, it’s like the more I struggle to live above the world. The harder the world fights for my soul.
I have a pretty colorful background, even in my young age; I have some demons in my closet. I have battled alcoholism, drug addiction and bad choices for most of my teenage and adult life. I am only twenty-four. Some people would consider that as just starting life. I consider it as just starting over. I have made decisions in my life that I could still allow to hold on to me. However, I have for the first time in a very long time a longing for what God promised me.
All through the Word, God has made covenants with His people. He has promised us so many things and He always delivers. So I sit back now and think of all the times I have promised God something and still I haven’t delivered. It’s a good thing that God is not us isn’t it. If He was, we would be in a lot of trouble.
I see myself in the analogy of the water. Growing up, I had very little to no self-esteem. I was a follower, not a leader. I conformed to what the crowd wanted because I wanted to fit in. No matter how hard I tried or what standards I lowered I still never made the mark. I didn’t reach the goal. I was still Kristine and I can’t even tell you who she really was or is. The thing is though, I want to find out.
Not just find myself or who I am; but, who I am in Christ. The more I fight to live a life of righteousness the more oppressed I am by Satan and my past. He continues to try to grasp my heel and deceive me. It’s a battle that I never thought could be won.
The thing is the battle was won long ago at Calvary. John 3:16. God sent his only begotten son to die upon the cross for my sins, for your sins, for the world. He took His blood to our Father in heaven and asked for forgiveness for us. I realized that I am not perfect; I never will be on this earth. I have sinned and I have made mistakes that could have killed me. But God’s grace saved me. It just took so long to see it. It took me so long to realize that my Father in heaven loves me, even when I don’t love myself.
His plan for me was set long ago. That in order to be the person that He needs me to be I have to go through trials and tribulations. Without those tests of faith, I would have no courage, no strength. I was at the bottom of a pit so deep. I felt like I was under the dirt, boulders on top of me. I felt so low but even in those dark moments even when my faith was shaken I still believed that God had a purpose for me.
There was a time when God was not my focus. He was not even in my view. Funny isn’t it. He wasn’t in my view. But, I was in His. I still am. He let me choose the path that I chose. He didn’t want me to, but his gift of free will allowed me to make the mistakes that I did. I would change a lot of things in my life if I could. But I also realize that the life I have lived is a testimony. It’s a lesson to teach others going through the things I went through. I didn’t have to go through what I went through. But I did and I made it. God allowed me to survive my ordeal and I am better for it.
There were times that I didn’t think I would make it. That the demons chasing me would win. But God already won when His Son died on the cross. So I have nothing to worry about. Back then, now, or ever.
The Bible was talking about how consistent we are in our personal lives as opposed to how we act in the public view. Human nature runs the show most of the time and I know for myself that my personal life is not always up to par to what I would like those in my “public” life to be aware of.
I have been battling temptation recently and I find myself trying hard to live the life that God wants for me. I want to live up to his standards. I want my standards to reflect His teachings, to be more exact. But, it’s like the more I struggle to live above the world. The harder the world fights for my soul.
I have a pretty colorful background, even in my young age; I have some demons in my closet. I have battled alcoholism, drug addiction and bad choices for most of my teenage and adult life. I am only twenty-four. Some people would consider that as just starting life. I consider it as just starting over. I have made decisions in my life that I could still allow to hold on to me. However, I have for the first time in a very long time a longing for what God promised me.
All through the Word, God has made covenants with His people. He has promised us so many things and He always delivers. So I sit back now and think of all the times I have promised God something and still I haven’t delivered. It’s a good thing that God is not us isn’t it. If He was, we would be in a lot of trouble.
I see myself in the analogy of the water. Growing up, I had very little to no self-esteem. I was a follower, not a leader. I conformed to what the crowd wanted because I wanted to fit in. No matter how hard I tried or what standards I lowered I still never made the mark. I didn’t reach the goal. I was still Kristine and I can’t even tell you who she really was or is. The thing is though, I want to find out.
Not just find myself or who I am; but, who I am in Christ. The more I fight to live a life of righteousness the more oppressed I am by Satan and my past. He continues to try to grasp my heel and deceive me. It’s a battle that I never thought could be won.
The thing is the battle was won long ago at Calvary. John 3:16. God sent his only begotten son to die upon the cross for my sins, for your sins, for the world. He took His blood to our Father in heaven and asked for forgiveness for us. I realized that I am not perfect; I never will be on this earth. I have sinned and I have made mistakes that could have killed me. But God’s grace saved me. It just took so long to see it. It took me so long to realize that my Father in heaven loves me, even when I don’t love myself.
His plan for me was set long ago. That in order to be the person that He needs me to be I have to go through trials and tribulations. Without those tests of faith, I would have no courage, no strength. I was at the bottom of a pit so deep. I felt like I was under the dirt, boulders on top of me. I felt so low but even in those dark moments even when my faith was shaken I still believed that God had a purpose for me.
There was a time when God was not my focus. He was not even in my view. Funny isn’t it. He wasn’t in my view. But, I was in His. I still am. He let me choose the path that I chose. He didn’t want me to, but his gift of free will allowed me to make the mistakes that I did. I would change a lot of things in my life if I could. But I also realize that the life I have lived is a testimony. It’s a lesson to teach others going through the things I went through. I didn’t have to go through what I went through. But I did and I made it. God allowed me to survive my ordeal and I am better for it.
There were times that I didn’t think I would make it. That the demons chasing me would win. But God already won when His Son died on the cross. So I have nothing to worry about. Back then, now, or ever.
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