Abba

          I was sitting at my desk at work the other night and one of my coworker's turned to me and said, " You know, I am glad you found God and everything, but its like it has just sucked the life right out of you.  You don't act the same anymore and I think you were just fine before you started going to church."  She looked at me expecting me to get angry with her for saying this.  All I could do was laugh.

          I thought to myself. " God, what a great opportunity to witness of your amazing love and glory today.  Thank you."  I sat back and my coworker and I had a very good chat.  I said to her, " Thank you, that is probably the best compliment anyone has ever gave me."  She looked confused and I broke it down for her.

          It is great that she can see the changes in my life.  That is a witness in itself.  I let her know though that it God isn't a life sucker.  He is a life giver.  For many years, my life was lived to serve Kristine.  God and I had a relationship.  I believed that he didn't mess with me and I didn't mess with him.  I was super woman.  I could do it all.  I ruled my life.  If it was wrong I was doing it.  It was like a multiple choice test and I always chose D.) All of the Above. 

          It took me a long time to realize that the way to live is D.) All of the above.  But, not in the way I was living it. For a long time I didn't love me.  I thought that I was a mistake.  That my mother and father should have found something better to do the night I was conceived.  However, woops here I am.  My father died when I was young and I was angry for a very long time.  I felt betrayed at his leaving.  Every holiday, birthday, graduations I thought wow, you're missing this.  When I needed you the most you were never there.  When I said that my father died when I was young, I mean that he commited suicide when I was six.  He was my world.  I was the biggest daddy's girl you could find.  Daddy and I did everything together.  When he died, my world fell apart.  It took me 18 years to forgive my Dad.  18 years and alot of mistakes. 

          You see I didn't know what it meant to have a Father.  The memories of my father were shady at best.  The anger that I felt overshadowed the love and awe I felt for him.  So the idea of God in my life was comical.  I was like, " Oh, okay another man in my life to leave me when I need him the most."  " Another, broken promise."  " Another, disappointment."  You see I made the mistake in thinking that God my Father, my Abba would be like an earthly father can be.  I suffered from that orphan spirit.  How can I trust in God, when all the other men in my life have left me wanting? I lived an ungodly life.  I did drugs, drank alcohol, looked for love in all the wrong places and never found the answer to my unfilled need.

          Then one day one of the ladies I worked with started talking to me about God.  She was new and I was like okay I can deal with this.  She talked to me about how good God was.  We talked about how he can bring wonderful things out of great tragedy.  I started to fellowship with her and then I started going back to church.  All of a sudden I realized the life I was living was killing me.  Not physically.  But spiritually and emotionally.  My blessings were not forthcoming because I didn't give credit where it was due.  I finally found a peace that I never had before.  

          So, when my church life and my God life started.  My old life was gone.  I read in 2 Corinthians 5:17, This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!(New Living Translation). This was life changing for me.  How can all that I was, and all that I was not be forgotten?  Some of the things I did were unforgivable.  Unforgivable to me.  But not to my Father.  For the first time in my life, I have a Father to guide me.  Someone to lead my steps and light my path.  I am not angry anymore.  I have finally found my place in this world and God did that for me.  So in being this new creation I am not "into" the things I used to be.  My thoughts are more pure and my actions are following along a more biblical outline.  I want the best of God and I want Him to work in my life.  I need Him in my life.  So, for people that knew me before I opened my heart back to God, this new Kristine is unbelievable.  I don't want people to think it is unattainable though and the witness I can be is shining through.  I see changes in my work place since I put God first.  That is truly a blessing.  So when people say I don't like this new you because you are different.  I smile and say, "Thank You!"  That is the biggest compliment.  I have come a long way from where I was and I still have a ways to go. But my Father has me in all I do; and guess what? He has you too!