Broken
Have you ever looked inside yourself and thought: How am I still alive? Looked around you, and wondered how you've made it this far? I have felt so introspective lately. I have felt weathered, and beaten down; gray in a world full of magnificent colors. Doubt has been plaguing me, and indecision. Retrospectively, I have been focusing on negative events that have occurred in the past. I've allowed self-doubt to creep in and single-handedly choke the very life out of me that I have fought so hard to keep a tight-fisted grip on.
A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting in the counselor's office at my primary care physician. I told him all about things that have been happening, feelings I have felt. The doubt, the disappointment in myself. I found myself focusing on all the ways I feel I have failed as a mother. The list is extremely long. He was so kind, and patient. He listened so well. At the end of my visit, the doctor and the counselor conferred. They felt it would be best for me to start on a regimen of Prozac to heal my " depression."
Now, I am not saying that mental illnesses shouldn't be identified, and treated. Clinically, I know that there are many people who have legitimate medical issues, and they need medicine to help them stay stable. Thirteen years in the medical field, gives you a fine appreciation for the wonders of some prescriptions. However, for myself, I feel that even if I would picked that prescription up it would not have helped me. My wounds are not just in my psyche. They are deep, rigged scars in the spiritual part of me.
The Bible is full of promises: Trust me, Lean on Me, I will not leave nor forsake you, By my stripes you are healed. Theoretically, It's easy to say those words. It's easy to make a mantra and sing praise songs. Nonetheless, when real life kicks you in the teeth, or wears you down. Relationships fail, trust is broken, medical diagnosis's are revealed. It takes serious prayer, and faith to keep on the path of belief. To keep those words in your mind, and your heart. My biggest failure is that I stopped trusting God. I gave lip service of holiness, and righteousness. Yet, I live broken and incomplete. Scared of my own shadow, but too proud to admit that I need help.
I need Jesus.
I sat here this morning and read the story of creation, and the birth of Jesus to my three little ones. The twins are one going, on twenty five. They are never still and I dare you to try to read with two little scamps using you as a jungle gym. However, I did just that because as soon as I opened my mouth and started reading my three year old stuck to me. She watched every expression on my face, followed every changing nuance to my voice and I realized that even though I am imperfect, a sinner saved by grace.. I am not a failure. I've made mistakes. Who hasn't? But ultimately I have from right now to start again. This morning my three year old asked Jesus into her heart. She closed her little eyes, and she prayed.
I found myself praying with her. Lord, Jesus forgive me for all I have done that is not of you. Come into my heart and fill these empty, broken places. Heal me from the inside out. Teach me your way O' Lord. Teach me how to lean on you, to hold on to you. Teach me to pray before I complain. Teach me patience. Teach me humbleness and humility. Lord mold me into what you need me to be.. You called me Lord. A long time ago.. I'm weary from running. I'm ready. I give me to you. Every part of me.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting in the counselor's office at my primary care physician. I told him all about things that have been happening, feelings I have felt. The doubt, the disappointment in myself. I found myself focusing on all the ways I feel I have failed as a mother. The list is extremely long. He was so kind, and patient. He listened so well. At the end of my visit, the doctor and the counselor conferred. They felt it would be best for me to start on a regimen of Prozac to heal my " depression."
Now, I am not saying that mental illnesses shouldn't be identified, and treated. Clinically, I know that there are many people who have legitimate medical issues, and they need medicine to help them stay stable. Thirteen years in the medical field, gives you a fine appreciation for the wonders of some prescriptions. However, for myself, I feel that even if I would picked that prescription up it would not have helped me. My wounds are not just in my psyche. They are deep, rigged scars in the spiritual part of me.
The Bible is full of promises: Trust me, Lean on Me, I will not leave nor forsake you, By my stripes you are healed. Theoretically, It's easy to say those words. It's easy to make a mantra and sing praise songs. Nonetheless, when real life kicks you in the teeth, or wears you down. Relationships fail, trust is broken, medical diagnosis's are revealed. It takes serious prayer, and faith to keep on the path of belief. To keep those words in your mind, and your heart. My biggest failure is that I stopped trusting God. I gave lip service of holiness, and righteousness. Yet, I live broken and incomplete. Scared of my own shadow, but too proud to admit that I need help.
I need Jesus.
I sat here this morning and read the story of creation, and the birth of Jesus to my three little ones. The twins are one going, on twenty five. They are never still and I dare you to try to read with two little scamps using you as a jungle gym. However, I did just that because as soon as I opened my mouth and started reading my three year old stuck to me. She watched every expression on my face, followed every changing nuance to my voice and I realized that even though I am imperfect, a sinner saved by grace.. I am not a failure. I've made mistakes. Who hasn't? But ultimately I have from right now to start again. This morning my three year old asked Jesus into her heart. She closed her little eyes, and she prayed.
I found myself praying with her. Lord, Jesus forgive me for all I have done that is not of you. Come into my heart and fill these empty, broken places. Heal me from the inside out. Teach me your way O' Lord. Teach me how to lean on you, to hold on to you. Teach me to pray before I complain. Teach me patience. Teach me humbleness and humility. Lord mold me into what you need me to be.. You called me Lord. A long time ago.. I'm weary from running. I'm ready. I give me to you. Every part of me.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
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